lessons I'm learning

We're excited to share the news that we're expecting! There's a lot of assumptions people make when you have a large family. "Pregnancy must be easy for you" and "You must be the most patient mother ever" are ones I often hear. Um, no. I'm thrilled to be expecting but it doesn't mean it's easy. And my children could all to easily share ways that this mama needs to grow in patience. I know ultimately that God is in control and He loves us but I still have my moments of doubt, wondering HOW in the world we are going to keep going. I do not not have all the answers; He does. I am often tired & weak; He is strong & patient.

I'm finishing up a class by Heather Robinson (it's called the Family Historian) where I'm learning to weave writing with my images so that I can better share our family history. (I have LOVED this class!) This is the narrative I wrote this week & I want to share it here because being authentic is important to me. And I often find encouragement when others let their guard down. Maybe you'll do the same.

already, you are smitten with this little baby which is no surprise because you’ve been smitten with each sibling that has come before you. it brings me such joy that each of you children are thrilled to have another baby on the way! 
you come over first thing in the morning wanting to know how the baby is, wanting to touch my belly & talking to him or her. you’re already building a relationship together and that makes me smile.

but sometimes… well, sometimes I want to pull away. I’m starting this pregnancy heavier than I’ve been. I’m so tired already- I’m sure my hematologist will tell me next week that I’m already anemic. these last few pregnancies have been hard and the unknown of what lays ahead weighs on me. I’m a planner & I while God has taught me much to loosen up, I still wonder how I’ll manage with 10 little ones. I’m so thankful to be blessed by another baby- excited to see who you will be & what you will become, little one. but I’m also uncertain too. and that’s a new feeling for me- a first ever with you, dear baby #10. it’s a feeling I do not want to admit but honesty is very important to me. 

I do not pull away because I want you, my precious girl, see how beautiful pregnancy & motherhood is, even when it means your mama isn’t the size she would prefer to be. I don’t pull away because I want you to build that relationship with your sibling. I don’t pull away because you don’t see my insecurities & your joy is contagious! I don’t pull away because I need to be reminded of these lessons to.

dwelling on Truth. I seek it first from God. I run to Jesus when I am weak (which means I run to Him every day!) He is good to also send you, dear daughter to me. you show me much!